Saturday, May 16, 2009

What "I" Saw on the Street: Apartment Hunting

First, I put "I" in quotes because this first picture is actually what Google "saw." I love it when the Google Camera is in front of a large object so that whatever it was you were looking for is not visible. Not even from the robo-satellites that are apparently photographing the entire planet.

here's the house I live in now.

Even from space you can see that it's a four lane, divided road, that yes, is the fire/police/wailing siren corridor. See why I'm trying to move?

And here is a house that someone else wanted me to move into. And when I say "house," what I really mean is garage.
When I asked the landlady who had lived here before, what I really meant was "who died to vacate the place for me?" She was very enthused to tell me that her mother had lived there. Now that's love. No, her mother didn't die (she only WISHED she had), she moved in with another daughter. A daughter (I'm guessing) with no spare cellar, garage, or closet to put her. The landlady was proud to show off the new appliances (they really were new, she scored points there). But the bedroom was the size of a cell, hard-tiled on the floor, with one small window. Well, really, it was a ventilation grid. The bathroom was equally dark, and I only ventured to put my head through the doorway in case maybe there was an automatically locking door and she was planning to keep me there as an unwilling domestic.

"The last girl was here two years," she exclaimed. 'And then the pneumonia set in?' I thought. Then the landlady then showed me the best feature of all. When you want to lose the view of the cars in the driveway and just get away from all the fresh air and sunlight, just click the garage door button the side of the wall.

Down rolls the automatic door, each segmented panel lurching quietly into place until the white, aluminum wall slams like a whisper into the coarse brickwork of the driveway...brickwork which is your kitchen floor. Perfect for stubbing your toe on a Sunday morning.

I began to wonder if I had any enemies I could send the listing to. "Christian" teachers who had beaten with a ruler in school. Bullies who'd made my life hell. And then I came up with the perfect tenant. Bernie Madoff. He'd love the savings. And the TB, it's totally free!


Christy Raedeke said...

Oh my. Is this for reals? It's legal to rent your freaking garage?

Before you know it they'll have you in a hole in the basement, throwing Jergens down and saying, "It puts lotion on its skin."

A little noise from sirens is sounding better and better, no?

Graeme Stone said...

At least Buffalo Bill had a dog...

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Graeme Stone said...

Well gosh. It's so flattering that Garage Door Installation AND Computer Repair Long Island stopped by. I don't quite know what to say. Except that I once worked at Garage Door factory. The Wayne Dalton Garage Door Factory of Pensacola Florida. And it's such a damn inneresting story, that that's going to be my next blog.

Tyler said...

That is quite the following you're gathering there, Graeme! I'm impressed!

I actually lived in a garage last year at school. Of course, it was 400 square and carpeted, and actually pretty nice.

That little living situation looks like nothing but a headache, haha.

Deb Markanton said...

Holy crap! I laughed so hard at this because I can totally relate. Years ago I was apt. hunting in LA and had the same issues..."It's only $1500 a month and the other tenants have to come through your apt. to get to theirs. So what do you think?"

Hardygirl said...

I think the curtains are nice.

And, look, you can shoot some hoops whenever you want.


Graeme Stone said...

This is only topped by the behind-the-building utility room that a friend reported to the housing board in NY. The realtor was actually showing a utility/janitor's hutch in the back of a building. It came complete with a shelving unit (i.e. cleaning supplies cabinet), and a drain in the FLOOR!

NJ Mortgage Refinance said...

I think the Buffalo Bill have to keep a fully loaded gun with a dog.