Have you been Xlerated yet? No, it’s not a ride at your local Six Flags, it’s a turbo-charged air blower in your local bathroom. Not to be outdone by the simple but now-woefully-outdated hand-dryer, the Xlerator has gone 2.0 reboot. This ain’t your mamma’s hand dryer. But you might wish it were.
Featured in water-and-paper conscious establishments all across LA, this device boasts "xlerated" drying time by blasting water from the washer's hands. What it doesn't boast is that the air pressure is so xtreme that the skin on your hand will fold and flap like a turkey waddle.
Not what anyone wants to see, much less an age-conscious gay may facing down an army of OC/Gossip Girl look-alikes every day on the city streets. Maybe don't need to see that right now in my fragile, close-to-shattering, delicate frame of mind.
Watching my hand ripple and turn into a skin sail, I immediately Roger Moore's brush with death in the G-Force Simulator from 1979's "Moonraker". His face ripples back and we get a look at what a dive in a jet plane would look like with Joan Rivers flying it to plastic surgery hell. No thanks.
I don’t even want to see it on my hand. So as sanitary and fast as the Xlerator might be, I’ll be looking for paper towels, the old fashioned hand-dryer, or maybe just wiping my hands on my jeans. So what if people think I wet myself. At least they won’t think I’m old. Oh- Wait a second…